Almost any senior can recall a story about someone who kept a secret to their detriment. Secrets can gnaw at a person's life till the main ingredient is stress. A secret presents a decision-making point which can be approached with rather clear guidelines.
A Rule of Thumb About Secrets in a Senior's Life
In my forty years of teaching I always taught my students that good secrets could be kept and bad secrets must be shared. This was a good rule of thumb to make daily living easier and safer for all. It seems that the same idea can be applied to secrets in a senior's life.
For example, a good secret, like what's in a present, is a keepable secret. So is the surprise list of guests at a birthday or anniversary party.
However, bad secrets should be shared. It may take some thinking to figure out who to share them with, but it is vital to do so. For example, if worried about a symptom it may be time to see a doctor or specialist. But first consider sharing your anxiety with a friend to take along for moral support.
Seniors Who Share Bad Secrets Make the Problem Easier to Deal With
Most bad secrets need to be shared with someone. Some examples in the lives of senior citizens include:
- Symptoms which may need attention can damage or ruin your life if kept secret.
- Fears whether grounded or ungrounded can be debilitating.
- Abuse, whether emotional or physical, is fed by the very keeping of the secret.
- Safety issues can usually be improved by consulting with others.
- Diminishing abilities in a senior's life need to be shared in order to discover compensating mechanisms and systems, equipment or treatments which can be helpful to older adults.
- Changes in a senior's life which are baffling and come all too suddenly may be somewhat alleviated by talking to a friend, minister, medical professional or other confidant.
Secrets Seniors Can Enjoy Keeping
There are a number of positive secrets that older adults can find enjoyment in keeping. This would include surprise parties or events, plans for a nice dessert or meal, and even gifts for grandchildren or others. Senior citizens can enjoy the full pleasures involved in special occasions which include surprises.
The only caution may involve any situation where the receiving senior might be a bit too shocked with the surprise, thus causing undue stress. In such times it might be better to give some up front information to avoid turning an intended surprise into shock.
Some Secrets Must be Shared Before it's Too Late
Older adults sometimes are so busy living life to the fullest that they can forget that part of life is death. First and foremost, take care of end-of-life paperwork to avoid placing an unimaginable burden on those left behind. For example, secret debts can wreak havoc on the executor at one's passing. Maybe a quarterly updated list to be kept with the will (stored in a well known place) would be in order.
This needs to include a Directive to Physicians, involving both in-hospital and an Out of Hospital DNR if that is your wish, since the regular one only works in a hospital. A Do Not Resuscitate paper can be adjusted to your particular preferences. Yes, your lawyer should know your wishes and keep them on file, but to avoid causing loved ones undue pain at death, these wishes need to be stated and discussed with loved ones beforehand so they will be prepared, especially when there may be a difference of opinion. Such a caring conversation can prevent the suffering of agitation and disagreements at moments of decision after passing.
Secrets of the Heart to Share While Still Alive
This presents an opportunity to sit down and write what you've always wanted to tell loved ones. People usually plan to do that later, but later doesn't always come. If you wanted a grandchild to get a certain item, give it now or write it in the will, or even better, as an attached sheet at the end of the will. Some people even write names on the bottom of certain items to assure they go to the right place at their demise.
Maybe you have a secret desire to make peace with someone. Don't make yourself and your loved one suffer by keeping your desire secret. If afraid of the encounter, now is the time to send a letter or email, thus giving the other individual time to deal with their own feelings before responding. Even if no response comes, you know the first step was taken, and that can bring a great sense of calmness.
Another secret people often keep without actually meaning to is how much they care for loved ones. Get in the habit of expressing your feelings. So many survivors have been left not clearly knowing whether their elder family member really loved them. Resolve today to not make love a secret by taking proactive steps.
Negative Consequences of Seniors Keeping Too Many Secrets
Some older people who value their privacy may get in the habit of keeping their own counsel to their own detriment. For example, if a symptom or diagnosis is troubling, keeping it hush-hush or swearing one or two people who know to secrecy may work against getting the proper help. It also puts the friend or loved one in a terrible ethical predicament of having to choose your health at the risk of your friendship. Likewise, keeping secrets from a doctor doesn't allow accurate diagnosis and treatment. Delays caused by holding information too close can affect the outcome in tragic ways.
Senior citizens can continue to relish the good secrets! However, be clearly aware of the secrets which need to be shared in order to receive support or help. Also take care of end-of-life preferences since this eases the way for those loved ones left behind. Perhaps it is time to re-evaluate the degree of privacy needed in your life as a senior. It may pay off down the road.
Hildra Tague - Mrs. Hildra Tague is a freelance writer, consultant, and teacher dedicated to issues of education and parenting. This all started when she ...
Join the Conversation